A year ago.

A year ago today, I was pregnant.

A year ago tomorrow, I wasn't.

I had/was miscarrying. Miscarriage is one of those things a person doesn't really think about, doesn't really think will happen, until it happens to you. I had had two healthy babies, and assumed life would continue along that path. That a pregnancy would lead nine months later to a beautiful little person. Then, I miscarried.

Intellectually, I understood that it happens, and that when it does, it's for a reason. That reason really has nothing to do with you, the mother, more to do with something not being right with the baby. That there's really nothing you could do. However, that knowledge doesn't fill the void it leaves when you realize you're loosing your baby, that you'll never get to know this little person.

It doesn't take away the moments that take you off guard. The times when I glance up to see my two kids playing across the room, and in my mind see a third sitting on the floor, playing with them. When a friend comes to tell you with excitement that she's expecting, and is due when you would have been. And as happy as you are for her, as much as you want to convey happiness, all that comes out is "I'm miscarrying." When your arms just feel so empty.

And suddenly, there are babies everywhere.

The next few days were ones of functioning. Waiting to pass the fetus, then when I did, wrapping it in a little blanket, putting it in a shoebox, burying it, saying a prayer together, as a family sending him up to heaven.

It began to fade. I adjusted to the idea of not being pregnant. Started making plans that don't involve fitting a new baby into life. Even went days without thinking about it.

Then came the due date. And suddenly, it was fresh again. My arms felt empty again. And once again, there are babies everywhere.

Then, once again it begins to fade. It will never go away, it can't. He is a part of me.



As hard as loosing a baby was and still can be, I am thankful that I have been blessed with healthy children and a wonderful husband. It is immeasurably easier to fill these arms when they are feeling empty when there are little bodies to fill them with. They are living comfort.

My other comfort has been faith. Knowing that my child will not face the trials of this life, that he (I've always thought it was a boy) is safe up in heaven and that some day, I will get to meet him. Shortly after the miscarriage I had a dream. It was utterly vivid, and in it, my little, precious bundle of baby boy was sleeping quietly, in the arms of my grandfather. In that lies the greatest comfort, knowing that Grandpa is taking care of him until I get to be there to take over. Until then, he will always be in my heart.

***

Going through a miscarriage can make a person feel stranded, alone. It's hard. It's loosing a baby that you're already so in love with. Typing this, I've had to stop multiple time because of the tear streaming down my face. I hope that in sharing this experience, someone who is feeling that pain will find some comfort, knowing that you're not alone and that as hard of a place it is, you can, and will, make it through.

***

I had to end with my two tales of happiness, the joys of my life, each on the day they came into this world.Mr. Oliver. Going on four already. Yikes.

And our princess, Elsa. Almost two.
Able to cross her toes (think like crossing your hands) at birth.



Now go hug the ones you love.

Tickeled my funnybone #5682

As he hung onto my leg yesterday, he jumped back and said "Ow!! You got WEEDS growin' there!"


In the evening, we could hear a siren going by in the distance. He jumped up, ran to the door, and said "It's a firetruck! Mom! Can we go to the parade?"


Maybe I should shave my legs more often...

Nah.

On a roll...

I love days like this. So far this morning:

Three loads of laundry on the line.

Picked a bucket of chokecherries

Cleaned them

Juiced them.


Picked potatoes
Cucumbers
Summer squash
Beets
Onions
Parsley
and made them into a delicious lunch, along with steak. I tend to make a large lunch on days when Eric has to work the evening. That way, we still get to eat a real meal together. Plus he doesn't have to find as much to eat for supper!

Making meals is a pleasure right now. There is an abundance of healthy produce in the garden, and it's all so delicious. When every single thing we had came from within 10 miles of us, I'd say a it doesn't get much better than that!

So far, we've had a productive day. This afternoon I hope to finish making jelly and syrup, as well as some laundry and house work.

Here's to those days when you just get things done!

Now if all days could go so well...

Saturday morning splendor

The sun is shining, the air is cool, chickens are scavenging, the dog is barking.

The kids are perched on the front steps enjoying a rare morning freezie. The one sits with multiple brets clipped haphazardly in her hair, no shirt covering her little potbelly and underwear that will-with luck-remain dry for hours to come. The elder is dressed, although his underwear are on backwards. We'll roll with that, a little independence in dressing himself is welcome.

On the breeze is the aroma of fresh sawen pine. The buzz of the saw and hum of the tractor fill the air; noise, but yet it is peaceful. It means the mill is up in running-if only for a day or two. A welcome change after too many months of silence.

A wave of cleaning hit the house last night, and it has finally come down from a state of utter chaos to one of manageable proportions. These eyes saw the wee hours of the night-sewing club tends to do that- and 7:30 came early. The coffee's hot and the list of things to do is calling. We'll be off to a tractor show/visiting at camping this afternoon, then on to stay at the cabin for the night.

It promises to be a beautiful day.

What's been happening here lately...August edition.

Summer is flying by...like the wind through your hair. (I crack myself up with these clever sayings.) August so far has been...

Elsa on her way to the garden, all set with her bucket! Although she's not much help, Oliver actually does pick things. I look forward to the years they are real help...

Picky. As in reaping what we sow. Green beans, peas, green beans, cute-mummers (heh. a downs girl I used to work with called 'em that, and I still do.), summer squash, green beans, and, oh yes, green beans have been coming in. The kids and I also made it to Jennifer's to pick raspberries. And now chokecherries are almost ready.

Num-num-num.

I love thinking "what's for supper?"

Than: "let me go look in the garden and see."

My one thought on the garden for next year: Add a little more variety. Despite that, this year's garden has mostly been a roaring success. Yum.

Anyone need green beans?

With August, summer-the heat and humidity, anyhow-finally arrived. We finally had a few days when all you wanted to do was be in the water.

So that's what we did.


But the heat left with a bang Sunday morning. Literally.


This white pine at the cabin was struck by lightning. Again. Yes, again. For as long as I remember, there had been a large black scar all the way down the trunk from it's first encounter with lightening.

This time it lost the fight.




Have you ever seen a tree struck by lightening? Wow. The power of it is impressive. This tree was the largest around our cabin, and it was shattered. Shrapnel flew as far as 200 or so feet down the road, over the cabin into the river...everywhere.

So, we called in the troops.

Fortunately, the only damage to the cabin was a few missing window panes.

For that, we are thankful.

Some more?

No, silly, s'mores!

Ah, munchmunchmunch, said Oliver, that clears that up. gulp.swallow.

Not that I'd mind a little more. Camping was great fun. The turnout was nice, 11 ladies and 30 or so kids. I think only 3 were over age 5. Lots of little heads running around.

Sunday afternoon started with a little rain, enough to make everything good and wet. That cleared up and we ended up with a starry, cool, beautiful-for-a-campfire night. I suspect many little cheeks and fingers went to bed sticky!

Although not everyone was so lucky, the stars were aligned to make my children sleep through the night. I fully embraced the opportunity to stay up too late around the campfire. That is, after all, the whole point of going camping.

Monday dawned bright and beautiful. Swings were in high demand, swimming was invigorating, and the company was enjoyable once again. (That innocent looking little dude there? The one sharing the swing with Elsa? He might have made it a point to see every hour on the clock Sunday night. I'm pretty sure his mom wasn't impressed.)


Little miss Aila was one of our sitemates. Ain't she a cutie?

Judging by Oliver's reaction to leaving, I don't wanna go home, I don't wanna go home, Mom! everyone enjoyed the trip. He also discovered his pyrotechnic side.

I always find camping or other such adventures interesting. Just spending that amount of time with other kids makes you realize how different every single one is. You also see a side of your kids you don't see at home.

Fun, fun, fun.

Summer.

Ahh.

A camping we will go!

The kids and I are headed off to 'ladies camping' once the younger wakes from her nap. Unfortunately, we'll only be for one night, but it should be fun! That's Elsa enjoying the beautiful clear water of Long Lake last year on the same trip.

Here's hoping for no rain and temps above 50 through the night. I am prepared: everything from winter coats and long johns to swimsuits. That's MN camping for you, folks!