A year ago tomorrow, I wasn't.
I had/was miscarrying. Miscarriage is one of those things a person doesn't really think about, doesn't really think will happen, until it happens to you. I had had two healthy babies, and assumed life would continue along that path. That a pregnancy would lead nine months later to a beautiful little person. Then, I miscarried.
Intellectually, I understood that it happens, and that when it does, it's for a reason. That reason really has nothing to do with you, the mother, more to do with something not being right with the baby. That there's really nothing you could do. However, that knowledge doesn't fill the void it leaves when you realize you're loosing your baby, that you'll never get to know this little person.
It doesn't take away the moments that take you off guard. The times when I glance up to see my two kids playing across the room, and in my mind see a third sitting on the floor, playing with them. When a friend comes to tell you with excitement that she's expecting, and is due when you would have been. And as happy as you are for her, as much as you want to convey happiness, all that comes out is "I'm miscarrying." When your arms just feel so empty.
And suddenly, there are babies everywhere.
The next few days were ones of functioning. Waiting to pass the fetus, then when I did, wrapping it in a little blanket, putting it in a shoebox, burying it, saying a prayer together, as a family sending him up to heaven.
It began to fade. I adjusted to the idea of not being pregnant. Started making plans that don't involve fitting a new baby into life. Even went days without thinking about it.
Then came the due date. And suddenly, it was fresh again. My arms felt empty again. And once again, there are babies everywhere.
Then, once again it begins to fade. It will never go away, it can't. He is a part of me.
As hard as loosing a baby was and still can be, I am thankful that I have been blessed with healthy children and a wonderful husband. It is immeasurably easier to fill these arms when they are feeling empty when there are little bodies to fill them with. They are living comfort.
My other comfort has been faith. Knowing that my child will not face the trials of this life, that he (I've always thought it was a boy) is safe up in heaven and that some day, I will get to meet him. Shortly after the miscarriage I had a dream. It was utterly vivid, and in it, my little, precious bundle of baby boy was sleeping quietly, in the arms of my grandfather. In that lies the greatest comfort, knowing that Grandpa is taking care of him until I get to be there to take over. Until then, he will always be in my heart.
***
Going through a miscarriage can make a person feel stranded, alone. It's hard. It's loosing a baby that you're already so in love with. Typing this, I've had to stop multiple time because of the tear streaming down my face. I hope that in sharing this experience, someone who is feeling that pain will find some comfort, knowing that you're not alone and that as hard of a place it is, you can, and will, make it through.
***
I had to end with my two tales of happiness, the joys of my life, each on the day they came into this world.
Mr. Oliver. Going on four already. Yikes.
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16 comments:
i'm glad you were able to tell us, and hopefully lessen your pain in the telling. i'm also glad you're able to trust in your faith, which will get you through this. maybe not unscarred. but through it.
love and God's peace,
ann b.
I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it was to read this story. I also miscarried, although mine was 3 weeks ago, and also my first pregnancy. I could totally relate to your story, and I was feeling so alone. So thank you, so much for sharing this.
Love and Gods Peace!
Anna, you convey your thoughts beautifully and emotionally. I can only imagine how hard it can be to miscarry and also to wait til someday a new baby may come.
Love to you! Hope to see you soon!
God's Peace!
Although it has been more then a year since we lost our baby, the pain has lessened, but still hasn't completely gone away. When I see babies that were born around the time ours would have been there is an undescribable emptiness that just doesn't want to leave. I was told that a miscarriage will bring the same emotions and grieving as a stillbirth will. "Safe in the arms of Jesus" has brought us much comfort, and I hope it brings you comfort as well. I still have tears running down my face from reading your post, thank you for sharing. Gods Peace!
thinking of you today.
Thanks for sharing your story!! I haven't experienced the loss of a miscarriage yet but its good to know that there are people who have who will be there to talk to if it should happen. I believe that being able to share these personal experiences helps with the healing process! Sorry about your loss. Hope your arms get full again someday with another new miracle. (I hug my kids everyday and thank God for them).. God's Peace and Lots of Love from Tamarack Hollow!
thanks for sharing. i talked to you not long after it happened, and could tell it was still too fresh in your mind to share this much. i'm glad you are in a place where you can do this now. although i never had a confirmed miscarriage, i have been waiting a fair amount of time for babies. being pregnant now, i am very emotional, and can't imagine the empty arms after a miscarriage.
Anna~ thank you for sharing. I know it's hard to go through a miscarry. I went through 3. It's hard to understand why, but knowing they are in a better place and safe, helps me get through it.
Love and God's Peace,
Natalie
Thanks everyone for the kind words. It was hard for me to keep this post up, being a pretty private person when it comes to matters such as this. However, this is one thing I think it was important to share, not just for myself, but for others experiencing the same thing. After the comments you left, I'm very glad I did.
Anonymous: I feel your pain. Take time for yourself, turn to those you love, you need them right now! I'm glad I could do a little to help.
Cheryal: You're a strong person. Faith is the only way to get through the pain...along with time.
Natalie: May faith keep you strong as well.
Everyone else: Thank you for listening. Love to you all!
Ikers, you made me cry when I read this.
You'll never know how bad felt when I told you I was expecting Aila. I obviously had no clue what you were going through, and still don't, but my heart hurt for you. It's a good thing these babies have a rewarding place to go. If I was near you I'd give you a big hug right now! Here's one anyway (:)You know my # if you need...
by the way, you can totally tell who each of your munchkins are. Super cute!
anna
thanks for sharing.
(tears and hugs)
I had a miscarriage between Ted and the twins. A little boy- we named him Charles. It was tough, but it does fade. I think it gets easier when you can share that grief with others, or it seems to for me anyways- I am not a private person. Your babies photos are so cute!
Joan-After I talked to you that day, I wished I could rewind-I knew you were probably feeling bad, and I didn't want you to! Because I lost mine, Aila will always remind me of him, but that's not a bad thing, I enjoy seeing her grow. She'll always be special to me because of that. Hugs back to you.
Andrea-thanks!
Jan-The pain does fade with time, doesn't it? I try to share my experience (it's easier for me in personal conversation than on this blog, I think...), because I feel people don't share it often enough. Then when miscarriage happens, a person feels very alone. I am very glad I had the guts to keep this post up, it's brought me comfort this last week.
Love to all of you!
Anna, thanks for sharing. Your words are so heartfelt and beautiful. God's ways are not our ways, as I've had to remind myself so many times in this life. I went through a miscarriage before my first daughter and I was unable to talk about it to anyone except my husband. I was hurting so much, but eventually it got easier- time and faith heals. I'm gald you are able to share this because it is such a comfort to those who need it.
God's Peace,
Sarah
Miscarriage is never easy. Not a day goes by that I don't send a little prayer upward that Jesus will hold my three babies because I can't. It also changes how you view pregnancy. I still worry at every twinge and ache because that little piece of my heart expects it to happen again. It's comforting to feel those little feet and elbows bopping around in my belly because that means my little one is still okay. Thank you for sharing your story because you are right-it isn't talked about enough. It wasn't until I had my first that I found out how many women around here have suffered a miscarriage.
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